Day 50

The cramping went comes and goes.  I haven't had any spotting and it's very infrequent and very mild.  It's probably me just being uber paranoid, but can you blame me?  I looked at some maternity clothes today, not that I need any.  I have a huge box full of clothes that get passed around my family to all the pregnant ladies.  I boxed them up in February after my last miscarriage.  I had just started wearing them when it happened.  I had to get them out of my closet because every time I looked at them I would start crying again.  I'm very hesitant to get them out.  Luckily for me I don't need them yet.  I'm hoping I won't need them until September.  I am hoping that I will need them.

I'm nervous to call the doctor and set up an appointment.  I like my doctor, he's really nice.  But, I still have nightmares about that day I went in for my check up and I'm nervous to lay on the same bed and get an ultrasound with the same machine.  I know it's not the machine or the doctor's fault in any way but it still terrifies me to think about going back there.  I guess I have a few more weeks before it's necessary to see the doctor.  If I thought he could do something to help I would go today.  But they can't find any reason that would be causing me to have all these miscarriages.  Not to mention our inability to get pregnant for long periods of faithfully trying.

If I blame anyone it's myself.  I know I stress to much and I carry my stress in my stomach.  There are mornings I would spend crying in the shower until it hurt.  My job is really busy and I am feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything.  In reality I have too many projects and there's just not enough time in the day to complete them.  I'm doing a lot better about not working too much and I am trying very hard not to think about work at home.  I really wish I could go to part time.  Unfortunately we have stretched ourselves too thin financially.  If I can hold out for about a year, I should be able to pay a few things off and not need to work as much.  Of course I'd like to stay home for at least a  year, but I don't see that being a possibility.  But, you never know.  Sometimes the Lord provides you with ways you can't see yourself.