Day 47

This evening I've felt a little crampy.  I've been constipated today so I don't know if they are poop cramps or uterus cramps.  Every little thing makes me so paranoid.  I really hope to make it to day 280 give or take.  I guess time is all I can hope for.  I'll try to stay calm and understanding if it is another one of those awful miscarriages.  I need to face my fears if it is and admit defeat.  We just might not be meant to have another baby.  Sometimes time passes so slowly.  Even though it is flying by.  I wish I could skip to week 16, maybe then I'd have more confidence.  Probably not though, my husband (don't tell him I mentioned he exists) says I'm always paranoid, especially in the beginning.  And this was before I had the bulk of my miscarriages.  I really hope I'm wrong and it's just poop cramps or early stage pressure and cramping.  If anyone is out there reading this, pray for me to keep my sanity.

Day 45

I made it official today by taking a pregnancy test.It took about 2 seconds for both pink lines to appear.  I guess that means I have a little of that hormone tests look for.

I decided to take a picture of my stomach profile every 2 weeks to see the change.  Unfortunately I am starting at 50 pounds overweight so it already looks a bit poochy:

Hopefully as the weeks go by it will look less like a fat belly and more like a pregnant belly.  Although it will take a tummy tuck to get rid of all the extra skin I have acquired from my other two full term pregnancies.  Today seems like a good day.  I'm excited that the missed period has resulted in a positive pregnancy test.  I will always be nervous, but I am trying very hard not to let it stress me out.  I am going to keep this between myself and my husband for a few more weeks though.  At least until after I have to start wearing maternity clothes.  Looking at the picture above makes me wonder how I ever have enough room for a baby my hip bone and my rib bone are only 2" apart...  Lucky for me I have nice birthing hips :)  Day 45 is a good day!

Day 44

I still haven't had a period and have started feeling the fatigue that comes with being pregnant.  Not a lot of nausea but if I don't eat frequently I get really lightheaded.  It's so hard to let myself feel anything.  I don't want to get too excited, but I don't want to be emotionally detached.  I really want another baby but I don't want to experience the pain of another miscarriage.  Life can be lost so easily but the imprint on a mother's heart goes deep.  I pray that everything is going well inside my womb right now.  Maybe I should wait until I take a test that isn't invalid before I allow myself to believe it's real...

Day 41

I'm sure I won't post this often, especially if tragedy strikes me again and I have another miscarriage...  I sometimes wonder why I can't commit to the decision of not having any more children.  Why can't I accept that we are not meant to have any more?  I think about that all the time.  I really do hope this one works out.  I always pictured myself with 4 children.  For as long as I can remember.  Not that I don't appreciate and love my 2 children.  They are amazingly wonderful.  I shouldn't be so selfish about wanting more.  I know I don't deserve more.  I want to be super excited about being pregnant again, and I am, but I am also terrified.  I don't want to have my heart broken again.

In February I took my son (then 4) to my appointment with me because the doctor said he would be able to tell me the sex of the baby and son wanted a brother so bad, he was so excited to go find out.  After waiting for our turn, the doctor had me get up on the bed and he turned on the machine.  As soon as he put the thingy on my belly I knew something was wrong.  The baby wasn't moving, not even a little.  I could see it's precious little head and eyes staring at me on the monitor staring into my soul.  I have never seen anything that has haunted me as much as that image.  I still have nightmares about it.  My poor son was whisked from the room by a nurse so the doctor could tell me it was gone, the baby I had seen move less than 4 weeks earlier no longer had a beating heart.  I know people have experienced far greater tragedy than I did that day but I cannot express the heartache.  I'm a very religious person and I have a good concept of the meaning of life but I was so angry at God that day.  I hope some day I will understand the reason.  I am not mad at God anymore, I have days where I blame myself for various things I did wrong during the pregnancy, but I know God loves me.

Day 39

It has been 39 days since my last period. It seems the obvious answer is pregnancy, but one can't be positive. I bought a test yesterday and instead of peeing in a cup and using the dropper like it said on the instructions, I tried just peeing directly on the test. Looks like I invalidated it. One horizontal line means negative, two horizontal lines means positive, what does one vertical line mean? INVALID.

So I still don't have that positive test to prove I'm pregnant, but I'm starting to feel the symptoms.
Last Sunday I thought for certain my Aunt Flo was coming for a visit. My back started hurting in that normal way that it does. But then it turns out I just hurt my back at the gym. This weekend I've started to feel the tired and achey that comes from being pregnant, but given my history, it could just be a case of Wussitis. I guess I'll have to get another test next week and see if I can get some proof to back my theory.