Tragedy

On August 31 I started having contractions.  At 15 1/2 weeks.  At about 8 p.m. my water broke and blood came out all over my bathroom floor.  My hubby rushed me to the Emergency Room.  Luckily it is 1/2 a block away so it didn't take very long.  I had to have a D & C to get all of the remains out.  In the ER I saw the fetus.  It's hard to tell but it looked like it was a boy.  My heart aches every day with the pain of it.  Two miscarriages this year has made it my "worst year ever".  The doctor can't find anything wrong with me or the fetus and so there is nothing they can recommend to stop it from happening.  This means I have to accept the fact that we won't have any more children in this lifetime.  Someday I hope I get to meet those sweet spirits that I carried for the few short months.  I am so mad and sad and having a hard time moving on with daily life.  My poor two beautiful children have noticed my sadness and anger and it is rubbing off on them.  I tried so hard not to let it affect them, but I can't stop the way I feel.  I hope someday the ache in my heart numbs enough to feel happy again.  For now I will go on faking it.  Thanks to any who listened.  This will be my last post.

Day 97

I am approaching the end of Week 14.  This is where I get really nervous.  I stopped feeling sick all the time last week.  It was kind of abrupt.  Sometimes I think I feel the baby move, but I remember thinking the same thing in February. I am now having major anxiety attacks.  I went to the hospital that my sis in law works at last night to have a listen on the doppler. She found a heart beat, but it was hard to determine if it was mine or the baby's.  Then she found the baby on the ultrasound.  It's still too small to really see, but she thinks she found the heartbeat.  I couldn't tell.  The baby didn't seem to move much.  I keep telling myself it was the same way when I went to the doctor the first time.  He had to poke at it to make it move.  I'm having the hardest time sleeping.  I really don't want to go through a missed miscarriage again.  I don't want to tell my kids I lost another baby.  I'm showing so we decided to tell them and now I am so scared.  I wish there was something I could do to feel better.  I know the Lord loves me, but I feel so lost right now.  I can't seem to find comfort in anything I do.  My poor hubby doesn't know what to do to help me feel better.  I don't know what he could do.  I keep dreaming that the baby is gone.  Which isn't a good sign.  But I don't know if it is my paranoia or premonitions.  I just keep praying "please let me keep this one".  "Please."

Day 88

I keep having anxiety attacks.  I'm in that stretch where the baby died in February.  Good news is I am still super sick so the hormone must still be there.  I also think i feel the baby move sometimes.  But it's hard to tell.  Work is getting more stressful and I am trying really hard to not let it affect me and the baby.  I really wish we could afford for me to quit.  School is starting in two weeks and we haven't found a baby sitter.  With all the pay cuts at work, I'm not sure how we can afford one... I really hope all my stress doesn't hurt the baby.  I really wish I could relax and enjoy this pregnancy but there are too many things to worry about.

Day 74

Two more days until my first appointment.  I'll be 11 weeks.  I'm making my Mom go with me because I couldn't get a Friday appointment when my hubby could go.  I'm so scared.  I've been having some dull pain in my stomach area today.  It feels a bit like constipation pain, but I'm not constipated.  I've pooped twice...
I am hopefully just being overly paranoid.  I keep thinking I feel movement, but it could always just be gas.  My stomach does keep growing which is a good sign, right?  I'm terrified to look up at the ultrasound monitor.  I still have nightmares about the face of the dead fetus looking at me, accusing me.  I know it is silly, but I can't help it.  I want another baby.  I don't want another miscarriage.  If I make it to Wednesday, I'll post another picture of my huge tummy.  It's getting hard to hide beneath my shirts.  And this week my pants started not fitting.  I really wish I could know that everything will be okay.

Day 68

OK.  I made it through my camping trip.  I am still feeling sick and miserable.  It is AWESOME!  My appointment is next week and I am starting to have nightmares about it.  I dreamed that the doctor wanted to take the baby out and experiment on it.  I dreamed that my doctor wasn't available so some kid intern was there to talk to me.  I'm delicate.  I need consistency.  I asked my mom to go with me to the doctor.  I didn't tell her I was pregnant, just that I needed someone to take me to the doctor.  I'm sure she guessed it but we didn't talk about it.  I feel like if I don't say it out loud (to someone other than hubby) I can't jinx it.  All too soon I will be donning pregnancy clothes though.  That might tip some people off.  Others, including my dad, will just think I'm getting fat...  I guess I should be okay with that since the fewer people who know the less trauma there is.  Just a month or so ago a guy at work asked me to remind him when I was due again.  Okay maybe it was more than a month or so, a few months...  His question brought on the water works and I felt bad for making him feel bad, it's just I though every body knew... 

I started to get nervous on my camping trip because I started to have some pains in my abdomen.  It might have been from hiking or gas from all the rich food we ate up there...  I don't know.  I hope it's not something else.  I would really like to hold this one in my arms and watch it grow and pass away before he or she does.  I am selfish I suppose.  I know there are bigger hurts out there.  I am super lucky to have the two great kids that I do have.  9 weeks has gone by fast, I hope I can stay calm for the next 9 weeks.  We'll see how things go.

Peace Out.

Day 59

I know it's only been one day, but hubby took my update picture today so I thought I'd post it before I forget.
I'm starting to fill out a little bit more.  I'm afraid I am going to have to start wearing baggier shirts so it's not so noticeable.  I'm excited, but I hope I can do it without gaining too much weight.  I already have an extra 50 the baby can have :)

Day 58

Still pregnant and getting round.  Lucky for me my pants were a little big.  I'm starting to fill them out again though. :(  I am optimistic today.  I even called the doctor and made an appointment yesterday.  It won't be until week 11, but I'm okay with that.  I need to post another picture of my growing stomach.  It feels like a good sign.  I've started jogging in the evenings with my daughter to get us both more active.  I had taken a week off from the Gym because we didn't have anyone to be here with the kids while my mom was out of town.  So my point, running with my daughter feels like I have never ran before.  My breasts hurt, my legs hurt, I can hardly breathe.  I really hope it is because of the pregnancy and not just because one week off has turned me into a sack of potatoes.  Today has been a good day emotionally.  I've felt sick most of the day and that helps me feel like it is real.  I hope it continues to progress well.  I'd love to have another baby in the family.  On a side note:  I really hope my sister-in-law can get pregnant.  She has been trying for a few years with no luck.  She hasn't had any miscarriages, just nothing.  I pray for her always.  I hope she knows how much I love her. Days like today make me smile :).  My hubby is teasing me about the belly bloat which makes me happy because I know he teases when he's excited about something.  Love him.  Can't wait to tell the kids, but I'm going to wait until September so I am past that 16 weeks...  Hopefully I can hide the belly from them until then.  Shouldn't be too hard, they aren't too observant, they are children after all...