Tragedy

On August 31 I started having contractions.  At 15 1/2 weeks.  At about 8 p.m. my water broke and blood came out all over my bathroom floor.  My hubby rushed me to the Emergency Room.  Luckily it is 1/2 a block away so it didn't take very long.  I had to have a D & C to get all of the remains out.  In the ER I saw the fetus.  It's hard to tell but it looked like it was a boy.  My heart aches every day with the pain of it.  Two miscarriages this year has made it my "worst year ever".  The doctor can't find anything wrong with me or the fetus and so there is nothing they can recommend to stop it from happening.  This means I have to accept the fact that we won't have any more children in this lifetime.  Someday I hope I get to meet those sweet spirits that I carried for the few short months.  I am so mad and sad and having a hard time moving on with daily life.  My poor two beautiful children have noticed my sadness and anger and it is rubbing off on them.  I tried so hard not to let it affect them, but I can't stop the way I feel.  I hope someday the ache in my heart numbs enough to feel happy again.  For now I will go on faking it.  Thanks to any who listened.  This will be my last post.