Tragedy

On August 31 I started having contractions.  At 15 1/2 weeks.  At about 8 p.m. my water broke and blood came out all over my bathroom floor.  My hubby rushed me to the Emergency Room.  Luckily it is 1/2 a block away so it didn't take very long.  I had to have a D & C to get all of the remains out.  In the ER I saw the fetus.  It's hard to tell but it looked like it was a boy.  My heart aches every day with the pain of it.  Two miscarriages this year has made it my "worst year ever".  The doctor can't find anything wrong with me or the fetus and so there is nothing they can recommend to stop it from happening.  This means I have to accept the fact that we won't have any more children in this lifetime.  Someday I hope I get to meet those sweet spirits that I carried for the few short months.  I am so mad and sad and having a hard time moving on with daily life.  My poor two beautiful children have noticed my sadness and anger and it is rubbing off on them.  I tried so hard not to let it affect them, but I can't stop the way I feel.  I hope someday the ache in my heart numbs enough to feel happy again.  For now I will go on faking it.  Thanks to any who listened.  This will be my last post.

Day 97

I am approaching the end of Week 14.  This is where I get really nervous.  I stopped feeling sick all the time last week.  It was kind of abrupt.  Sometimes I think I feel the baby move, but I remember thinking the same thing in February. I am now having major anxiety attacks.  I went to the hospital that my sis in law works at last night to have a listen on the doppler. She found a heart beat, but it was hard to determine if it was mine or the baby's.  Then she found the baby on the ultrasound.  It's still too small to really see, but she thinks she found the heartbeat.  I couldn't tell.  The baby didn't seem to move much.  I keep telling myself it was the same way when I went to the doctor the first time.  He had to poke at it to make it move.  I'm having the hardest time sleeping.  I really don't want to go through a missed miscarriage again.  I don't want to tell my kids I lost another baby.  I'm showing so we decided to tell them and now I am so scared.  I wish there was something I could do to feel better.  I know the Lord loves me, but I feel so lost right now.  I can't seem to find comfort in anything I do.  My poor hubby doesn't know what to do to help me feel better.  I don't know what he could do.  I keep dreaming that the baby is gone.  Which isn't a good sign.  But I don't know if it is my paranoia or premonitions.  I just keep praying "please let me keep this one".  "Please."

Day 88

I keep having anxiety attacks.  I'm in that stretch where the baby died in February.  Good news is I am still super sick so the hormone must still be there.  I also think i feel the baby move sometimes.  But it's hard to tell.  Work is getting more stressful and I am trying really hard to not let it affect me and the baby.  I really wish we could afford for me to quit.  School is starting in two weeks and we haven't found a baby sitter.  With all the pay cuts at work, I'm not sure how we can afford one... I really hope all my stress doesn't hurt the baby.  I really wish I could relax and enjoy this pregnancy but there are too many things to worry about.

Day 74

Two more days until my first appointment.  I'll be 11 weeks.  I'm making my Mom go with me because I couldn't get a Friday appointment when my hubby could go.  I'm so scared.  I've been having some dull pain in my stomach area today.  It feels a bit like constipation pain, but I'm not constipated.  I've pooped twice...
I am hopefully just being overly paranoid.  I keep thinking I feel movement, but it could always just be gas.  My stomach does keep growing which is a good sign, right?  I'm terrified to look up at the ultrasound monitor.  I still have nightmares about the face of the dead fetus looking at me, accusing me.  I know it is silly, but I can't help it.  I want another baby.  I don't want another miscarriage.  If I make it to Wednesday, I'll post another picture of my huge tummy.  It's getting hard to hide beneath my shirts.  And this week my pants started not fitting.  I really wish I could know that everything will be okay.

Day 68

OK.  I made it through my camping trip.  I am still feeling sick and miserable.  It is AWESOME!  My appointment is next week and I am starting to have nightmares about it.  I dreamed that the doctor wanted to take the baby out and experiment on it.  I dreamed that my doctor wasn't available so some kid intern was there to talk to me.  I'm delicate.  I need consistency.  I asked my mom to go with me to the doctor.  I didn't tell her I was pregnant, just that I needed someone to take me to the doctor.  I'm sure she guessed it but we didn't talk about it.  I feel like if I don't say it out loud (to someone other than hubby) I can't jinx it.  All too soon I will be donning pregnancy clothes though.  That might tip some people off.  Others, including my dad, will just think I'm getting fat...  I guess I should be okay with that since the fewer people who know the less trauma there is.  Just a month or so ago a guy at work asked me to remind him when I was due again.  Okay maybe it was more than a month or so, a few months...  His question brought on the water works and I felt bad for making him feel bad, it's just I though every body knew... 

I started to get nervous on my camping trip because I started to have some pains in my abdomen.  It might have been from hiking or gas from all the rich food we ate up there...  I don't know.  I hope it's not something else.  I would really like to hold this one in my arms and watch it grow and pass away before he or she does.  I am selfish I suppose.  I know there are bigger hurts out there.  I am super lucky to have the two great kids that I do have.  9 weeks has gone by fast, I hope I can stay calm for the next 9 weeks.  We'll see how things go.

Peace Out.

Day 59

I know it's only been one day, but hubby took my update picture today so I thought I'd post it before I forget.
I'm starting to fill out a little bit more.  I'm afraid I am going to have to start wearing baggier shirts so it's not so noticeable.  I'm excited, but I hope I can do it without gaining too much weight.  I already have an extra 50 the baby can have :)

Day 58

Still pregnant and getting round.  Lucky for me my pants were a little big.  I'm starting to fill them out again though. :(  I am optimistic today.  I even called the doctor and made an appointment yesterday.  It won't be until week 11, but I'm okay with that.  I need to post another picture of my growing stomach.  It feels like a good sign.  I've started jogging in the evenings with my daughter to get us both more active.  I had taken a week off from the Gym because we didn't have anyone to be here with the kids while my mom was out of town.  So my point, running with my daughter feels like I have never ran before.  My breasts hurt, my legs hurt, I can hardly breathe.  I really hope it is because of the pregnancy and not just because one week off has turned me into a sack of potatoes.  Today has been a good day emotionally.  I've felt sick most of the day and that helps me feel like it is real.  I hope it continues to progress well.  I'd love to have another baby in the family.  On a side note:  I really hope my sister-in-law can get pregnant.  She has been trying for a few years with no luck.  She hasn't had any miscarriages, just nothing.  I pray for her always.  I hope she knows how much I love her. Days like today make me smile :).  My hubby is teasing me about the belly bloat which makes me happy because I know he teases when he's excited about something.  Love him.  Can't wait to tell the kids, but I'm going to wait until September so I am past that 16 weeks...  Hopefully I can hide the belly from them until then.  Shouldn't be too hard, they aren't too observant, they are children after all...

Day 53

I'm starting to think about it too much.  Time is moving slowly instead of quickly.  I'll be 8 weeks on Wednesday but I'm still scared to call the doctor.  If I go to the doctor he'll take a picture and then it will be that much harder if I lose it again, knowing that it is real.  Or I could go and find out it's not real and I've been feeling sick for nothing.  It's making me so anxious.  I need to relax.  I need to let what will be just be.  I'm doing everything I can to make the baby comfortable and healthy.  It is all in the Lord's hands.  Going to the doctor at this point won't make a difference.  They can't give me a miracle drug that will make it certain to develop into a healthy baby.  I'm thinking I'll call after we go camping next week.  That will make me around 10 - 11 weeks when I go in.  Closer to the time I can relax.  Not that the last one wasn't after that time...  In fact I remember the doctor telling me I can relax, it's past the time of the miscarriage worry.  I hope I can make it the next 7 months.  Some days I am fine and I can let myself be so excited.  Then days like today I am so worried that I'm probably making things worse...  Please let me be able to enjoy this.  NO matter what happens.

Day 50

The cramping went comes and goes.  I haven't had any spotting and it's very infrequent and very mild.  It's probably me just being uber paranoid, but can you blame me?  I looked at some maternity clothes today, not that I need any.  I have a huge box full of clothes that get passed around my family to all the pregnant ladies.  I boxed them up in February after my last miscarriage.  I had just started wearing them when it happened.  I had to get them out of my closet because every time I looked at them I would start crying again.  I'm very hesitant to get them out.  Luckily for me I don't need them yet.  I'm hoping I won't need them until September.  I am hoping that I will need them.

I'm nervous to call the doctor and set up an appointment.  I like my doctor, he's really nice.  But, I still have nightmares about that day I went in for my check up and I'm nervous to lay on the same bed and get an ultrasound with the same machine.  I know it's not the machine or the doctor's fault in any way but it still terrifies me to think about going back there.  I guess I have a few more weeks before it's necessary to see the doctor.  If I thought he could do something to help I would go today.  But they can't find any reason that would be causing me to have all these miscarriages.  Not to mention our inability to get pregnant for long periods of faithfully trying.

If I blame anyone it's myself.  I know I stress to much and I carry my stress in my stomach.  There are mornings I would spend crying in the shower until it hurt.  My job is really busy and I am feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything.  In reality I have too many projects and there's just not enough time in the day to complete them.  I'm doing a lot better about not working too much and I am trying very hard not to think about work at home.  I really wish I could go to part time.  Unfortunately we have stretched ourselves too thin financially.  If I can hold out for about a year, I should be able to pay a few things off and not need to work as much.  Of course I'd like to stay home for at least a  year, but I don't see that being a possibility.  But, you never know.  Sometimes the Lord provides you with ways you can't see yourself. 

Day 47

This evening I've felt a little crampy.  I've been constipated today so I don't know if they are poop cramps or uterus cramps.  Every little thing makes me so paranoid.  I really hope to make it to day 280 give or take.  I guess time is all I can hope for.  I'll try to stay calm and understanding if it is another one of those awful miscarriages.  I need to face my fears if it is and admit defeat.  We just might not be meant to have another baby.  Sometimes time passes so slowly.  Even though it is flying by.  I wish I could skip to week 16, maybe then I'd have more confidence.  Probably not though, my husband (don't tell him I mentioned he exists) says I'm always paranoid, especially in the beginning.  And this was before I had the bulk of my miscarriages.  I really hope I'm wrong and it's just poop cramps or early stage pressure and cramping.  If anyone is out there reading this, pray for me to keep my sanity.

Day 45

I made it official today by taking a pregnancy test.It took about 2 seconds for both pink lines to appear.  I guess that means I have a little of that hormone tests look for.

I decided to take a picture of my stomach profile every 2 weeks to see the change.  Unfortunately I am starting at 50 pounds overweight so it already looks a bit poochy:

Hopefully as the weeks go by it will look less like a fat belly and more like a pregnant belly.  Although it will take a tummy tuck to get rid of all the extra skin I have acquired from my other two full term pregnancies.  Today seems like a good day.  I'm excited that the missed period has resulted in a positive pregnancy test.  I will always be nervous, but I am trying very hard not to let it stress me out.  I am going to keep this between myself and my husband for a few more weeks though.  At least until after I have to start wearing maternity clothes.  Looking at the picture above makes me wonder how I ever have enough room for a baby my hip bone and my rib bone are only 2" apart...  Lucky for me I have nice birthing hips :)  Day 45 is a good day!

Day 44

I still haven't had a period and have started feeling the fatigue that comes with being pregnant.  Not a lot of nausea but if I don't eat frequently I get really lightheaded.  It's so hard to let myself feel anything.  I don't want to get too excited, but I don't want to be emotionally detached.  I really want another baby but I don't want to experience the pain of another miscarriage.  Life can be lost so easily but the imprint on a mother's heart goes deep.  I pray that everything is going well inside my womb right now.  Maybe I should wait until I take a test that isn't invalid before I allow myself to believe it's real...

Day 41

I'm sure I won't post this often, especially if tragedy strikes me again and I have another miscarriage...  I sometimes wonder why I can't commit to the decision of not having any more children.  Why can't I accept that we are not meant to have any more?  I think about that all the time.  I really do hope this one works out.  I always pictured myself with 4 children.  For as long as I can remember.  Not that I don't appreciate and love my 2 children.  They are amazingly wonderful.  I shouldn't be so selfish about wanting more.  I know I don't deserve more.  I want to be super excited about being pregnant again, and I am, but I am also terrified.  I don't want to have my heart broken again.

In February I took my son (then 4) to my appointment with me because the doctor said he would be able to tell me the sex of the baby and son wanted a brother so bad, he was so excited to go find out.  After waiting for our turn, the doctor had me get up on the bed and he turned on the machine.  As soon as he put the thingy on my belly I knew something was wrong.  The baby wasn't moving, not even a little.  I could see it's precious little head and eyes staring at me on the monitor staring into my soul.  I have never seen anything that has haunted me as much as that image.  I still have nightmares about it.  My poor son was whisked from the room by a nurse so the doctor could tell me it was gone, the baby I had seen move less than 4 weeks earlier no longer had a beating heart.  I know people have experienced far greater tragedy than I did that day but I cannot express the heartache.  I'm a very religious person and I have a good concept of the meaning of life but I was so angry at God that day.  I hope some day I will understand the reason.  I am not mad at God anymore, I have days where I blame myself for various things I did wrong during the pregnancy, but I know God loves me.

Day 39

It has been 39 days since my last period. It seems the obvious answer is pregnancy, but one can't be positive. I bought a test yesterday and instead of peeing in a cup and using the dropper like it said on the instructions, I tried just peeing directly on the test. Looks like I invalidated it. One horizontal line means negative, two horizontal lines means positive, what does one vertical line mean? INVALID.

So I still don't have that positive test to prove I'm pregnant, but I'm starting to feel the symptoms.
Last Sunday I thought for certain my Aunt Flo was coming for a visit. My back started hurting in that normal way that it does. But then it turns out I just hurt my back at the gym. This weekend I've started to feel the tired and achey that comes from being pregnant, but given my history, it could just be a case of Wussitis. I guess I'll have to get another test next week and see if I can get some proof to back my theory.