Day 74

Two more days until my first appointment.  I'll be 11 weeks.  I'm making my Mom go with me because I couldn't get a Friday appointment when my hubby could go.  I'm so scared.  I've been having some dull pain in my stomach area today.  It feels a bit like constipation pain, but I'm not constipated.  I've pooped twice...
I am hopefully just being overly paranoid.  I keep thinking I feel movement, but it could always just be gas.  My stomach does keep growing which is a good sign, right?  I'm terrified to look up at the ultrasound monitor.  I still have nightmares about the face of the dead fetus looking at me, accusing me.  I know it is silly, but I can't help it.  I want another baby.  I don't want another miscarriage.  If I make it to Wednesday, I'll post another picture of my huge tummy.  It's getting hard to hide beneath my shirts.  And this week my pants started not fitting.  I really wish I could know that everything will be okay.

Day 68

OK.  I made it through my camping trip.  I am still feeling sick and miserable.  It is AWESOME!  My appointment is next week and I am starting to have nightmares about it.  I dreamed that the doctor wanted to take the baby out and experiment on it.  I dreamed that my doctor wasn't available so some kid intern was there to talk to me.  I'm delicate.  I need consistency.  I asked my mom to go with me to the doctor.  I didn't tell her I was pregnant, just that I needed someone to take me to the doctor.  I'm sure she guessed it but we didn't talk about it.  I feel like if I don't say it out loud (to someone other than hubby) I can't jinx it.  All too soon I will be donning pregnancy clothes though.  That might tip some people off.  Others, including my dad, will just think I'm getting fat...  I guess I should be okay with that since the fewer people who know the less trauma there is.  Just a month or so ago a guy at work asked me to remind him when I was due again.  Okay maybe it was more than a month or so, a few months...  His question brought on the water works and I felt bad for making him feel bad, it's just I though every body knew... 

I started to get nervous on my camping trip because I started to have some pains in my abdomen.  It might have been from hiking or gas from all the rich food we ate up there...  I don't know.  I hope it's not something else.  I would really like to hold this one in my arms and watch it grow and pass away before he or she does.  I am selfish I suppose.  I know there are bigger hurts out there.  I am super lucky to have the two great kids that I do have.  9 weeks has gone by fast, I hope I can stay calm for the next 9 weeks.  We'll see how things go.

Peace Out.

Day 59

I know it's only been one day, but hubby took my update picture today so I thought I'd post it before I forget.
I'm starting to fill out a little bit more.  I'm afraid I am going to have to start wearing baggier shirts so it's not so noticeable.  I'm excited, but I hope I can do it without gaining too much weight.  I already have an extra 50 the baby can have :)

Day 58

Still pregnant and getting round.  Lucky for me my pants were a little big.  I'm starting to fill them out again though. :(  I am optimistic today.  I even called the doctor and made an appointment yesterday.  It won't be until week 11, but I'm okay with that.  I need to post another picture of my growing stomach.  It feels like a good sign.  I've started jogging in the evenings with my daughter to get us both more active.  I had taken a week off from the Gym because we didn't have anyone to be here with the kids while my mom was out of town.  So my point, running with my daughter feels like I have never ran before.  My breasts hurt, my legs hurt, I can hardly breathe.  I really hope it is because of the pregnancy and not just because one week off has turned me into a sack of potatoes.  Today has been a good day emotionally.  I've felt sick most of the day and that helps me feel like it is real.  I hope it continues to progress well.  I'd love to have another baby in the family.  On a side note:  I really hope my sister-in-law can get pregnant.  She has been trying for a few years with no luck.  She hasn't had any miscarriages, just nothing.  I pray for her always.  I hope she knows how much I love her. Days like today make me smile :).  My hubby is teasing me about the belly bloat which makes me happy because I know he teases when he's excited about something.  Love him.  Can't wait to tell the kids, but I'm going to wait until September so I am past that 16 weeks...  Hopefully I can hide the belly from them until then.  Shouldn't be too hard, they aren't too observant, they are children after all...

Day 53

I'm starting to think about it too much.  Time is moving slowly instead of quickly.  I'll be 8 weeks on Wednesday but I'm still scared to call the doctor.  If I go to the doctor he'll take a picture and then it will be that much harder if I lose it again, knowing that it is real.  Or I could go and find out it's not real and I've been feeling sick for nothing.  It's making me so anxious.  I need to relax.  I need to let what will be just be.  I'm doing everything I can to make the baby comfortable and healthy.  It is all in the Lord's hands.  Going to the doctor at this point won't make a difference.  They can't give me a miracle drug that will make it certain to develop into a healthy baby.  I'm thinking I'll call after we go camping next week.  That will make me around 10 - 11 weeks when I go in.  Closer to the time I can relax.  Not that the last one wasn't after that time...  In fact I remember the doctor telling me I can relax, it's past the time of the miscarriage worry.  I hope I can make it the next 7 months.  Some days I am fine and I can let myself be so excited.  Then days like today I am so worried that I'm probably making things worse...  Please let me be able to enjoy this.  NO matter what happens.

Day 50

The cramping went comes and goes.  I haven't had any spotting and it's very infrequent and very mild.  It's probably me just being uber paranoid, but can you blame me?  I looked at some maternity clothes today, not that I need any.  I have a huge box full of clothes that get passed around my family to all the pregnant ladies.  I boxed them up in February after my last miscarriage.  I had just started wearing them when it happened.  I had to get them out of my closet because every time I looked at them I would start crying again.  I'm very hesitant to get them out.  Luckily for me I don't need them yet.  I'm hoping I won't need them until September.  I am hoping that I will need them.

I'm nervous to call the doctor and set up an appointment.  I like my doctor, he's really nice.  But, I still have nightmares about that day I went in for my check up and I'm nervous to lay on the same bed and get an ultrasound with the same machine.  I know it's not the machine or the doctor's fault in any way but it still terrifies me to think about going back there.  I guess I have a few more weeks before it's necessary to see the doctor.  If I thought he could do something to help I would go today.  But they can't find any reason that would be causing me to have all these miscarriages.  Not to mention our inability to get pregnant for long periods of faithfully trying.

If I blame anyone it's myself.  I know I stress to much and I carry my stress in my stomach.  There are mornings I would spend crying in the shower until it hurt.  My job is really busy and I am feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything.  In reality I have too many projects and there's just not enough time in the day to complete them.  I'm doing a lot better about not working too much and I am trying very hard not to think about work at home.  I really wish I could go to part time.  Unfortunately we have stretched ourselves too thin financially.  If I can hold out for about a year, I should be able to pay a few things off and not need to work as much.  Of course I'd like to stay home for at least a  year, but I don't see that being a possibility.  But, you never know.  Sometimes the Lord provides you with ways you can't see yourself.